~I'll Remember You by Tanya Chua~

Sorry wasn't good enough
A song without meter and rhyme
A long forgotten promise I recalled I made to you
A candle flame dies in the wind
It looks like it's about to rain, about to rain

Spirals from your cigarette
Your sweet colgone on my pillow
Messages you left me still sing like some lullaby
Pretty pictures on the wall
Hopes in us will rise & fall, rise & fall

And in the rain
In summer days too
When the willow tree weeps too
Under the street light so bright
I'll remember you everyday

The plane leaves in an hour's time
Hold me till our last goodbye
Silence is the only sound
No words can speak it through
I'll breathe your breath for one last time
You'll be strong and so will I, so will I

And in the rain
In summer days too
When the willow tree weeps too
Under the street light so bright
I'll remember you
I'll remember you
I'll remember you
Everyday

*just a song that is one of my fav's at the moment.. *

~Unexplainable~

i can't explain how i feel at the moment.. i cant explain the jumble of emotions that i'm trying to surpress.. or the mess of thoughts that are clouding my mind.. i am not an artist who is able to put thoughts and emotions into pictures.. neither am i a poet or a writer.. the best i can do is to try to replicate the whole mess into somewat coherant thoughts (keyword 'somewat') but then again.. why do i try?? does it matter?? does it matter wat i think?? do my thoughts and opinions hold any sort of bearing at all? i know that everything happens for a reason.. but i'm still struggling to figure out the reason for ME.. looking back.. my life has been a series of dissapointments.. to my family n myself.. of too many 'wat the hell were u thinking'.. of coz there has been happy moments.. many many of them.. but im 21.. and wat have i actually achieved?? have i made an impact on anyone? would the world be a better place without my existance? okie.. tahts putting too much importance in my existance.. would anything be any different without me around.. thats better.. i know im in one of 'those' moods.. but sometimes i reallie feel damn 'extra' or 'irrelevant'.. maybe its just me that needs attention.. i dunno.. but i do sometiems feel that it would have been better on some ppl if i havent been around to complicate thigns.. i dunno.. i reallie dont..

~Pictures~

eelyn got all excited about the harry potter hogwarts train.. look at her happy face!

daffy duck!! i think i got one with marvin!! but its in my old cam.. =

enjoying hotdogs.. YUM!!..


picture says it all

~There and Back~

im baccckkk.. =) Gold Coast was pretty fun.. it was nice n sunny there.. even tho we still had to wear long sleeves, it was much warmer than Syd when i left.. the apartment we stayed in was alrite.. i think we could have gotten nicer ones.. but then we dint know anything and this was not that bad.. besides the fact that there was virtually no hot water!! i think the tank has enuff for one person to shower only.. jan leanrt that the hard way.. kekeke.. so after one person showers.. u have to wait at least 20 mins.. I learnt that the hard way! one day i waited like 15.. then went shower.. n the hot water ran out midway.. n i was swearing n jumping around in the shower.. ahha.. damn colldd! luckily its pretty warm there compared to syd.. or else i would have frozen everything off i think! o.O when i came back here i took a nice looooooong hot shower.. just to make up for the days where i have to rush thru my showers! =P
well.. we did the usual touristy stuff while we were there.. went to dreamworld and movieworld and spent the last day just wondering around surfer's paradise.. most of the wondering was done in TimeZone (an arcade) since there was not much other stuff to do.. took photos(of coz rite lyn loves taking photos as everyone knows! =P) i only had a normal cam.. but eelyn n mark had digital cams.. so i'll post some pics up when i get it from them.. =)
all in all it was reallie fun.. good clean fun.. ohh.. and i SUCK at pictionary.. playing it makes me realise how little general knowledge i possess.. esp about the world.. i virtually can never guess/draw the yellow category (for those who dont play.. its places/people and something else i forgot wat).. howwible.. whenever get to a yellow.. sure stuck if im drawing or have to guess alone! *wrinkles nose* must brush up man..
ohh.. we spent a total of 3 hours in the airport.. more than half of it playing pictionary..keke.. coz the apartment was watching our bags till 5(when office closes) so we had to collect it before then.. and our flight was at 7.45 so we just decided to go to the airport n hang out there.. mana tau our flight delayed one hr.. so basically we were camping at the airport.. haha..
okie la.. shouldnt bore u guys with details.. will post pics soon! =)

~Gold Coast Here i Come!!~

tomolo i will be going away to the sunny(i reallie hops its sunny) Surfers Paradise for 4 days!! be coming back on friday.. hopefully the trip will be FUN FUN FUN!!! =P trav says hi! haha.. ciao dudes!!

~Decisions~

As i said in my previous blog.. life is all about the choices and decisions that we make.. so i got a qs.. wat if u made a decision.. a BIG decisions.. and u made all the plans to carry it out.. and then about a month before the big date.. u are 2 minds about it.. you wanna back out.. but u feel its too late.. that everything is set in motion.. would u back out.. or would u just go along with it.. ok.. to make things easier.. think of it as either the decision to go away to study.. or even marriage..
wat would you do?? personally i would back out.. no matter how late it is.. how close to the date.. yes.. going thru the whole reversal n telling everyone its off.. thats going to be hell.. but.. think about it.. i rather do that than go thru with it.. a yr or so down the road.. since ur heart wont be fully into it.. likely to be utterly miserable and back out then.. i think that would be a waste of time and emotion and money.. no?
but then.. there are those that feel that just becoz its so close to the date.. and all preparations have been made.. they will go thru with it.. that its just too much trouble to back out at this late.. to go thru telling everyone its off.. and stuff..
i guess different ppl have different ways of thinking.. wat do YOU think?

~Life..~

my 2 cents on life as i see it now..
 
i feel that life is all about the choices we make.. the circumstances that arise from those choices.. the consequences that we have to endure from making those choices..and how you learn from these decisions and make new choices.. choices and decisions.. sometimes it seems like fate.. fate that u were in a certain place at a certain time and things happen.. yes.. i do beliff in fate.. but it was ur decision/choice to be at that place at that time rite? unless its reallie by chance or coincidental.. *shrugs*.. i guess the most important thing is that u LEARN something..(not like me.. never learn my lesson one *shakes head sadly*)..
 
my life..
i was given a choice when i was 15.. to either come over here for boarding skool or stay and finish high skool back home and come after that.. i was having a blast not studying and having fun.. so my choice was to stay.. stay i did.. enjoyed high skool with frenz that i kinda grew up with.. had my first crush.. had my first bf.. did all sortsa nonsense.. and screwed up my SPM.. big time.. then i came here.. i was told to put my preferences for wat i wanted to do in uni.. i put comp sci/commerce.. and i was told that i could do either commerce stream or physical sci in foundation.. but it would be better if i did sci.. so i chose to do sci.. and in that one year.. i grew up alot.. i learnt to take care of myself.. to do all sorts of household chores that i never did back home.. i learnt that it was very hard and painful to be alone and away from your family and frenz that u grew up with, who gave u unconditional love..to leave behind the comfort zone of knowing u are loved.. to be thrown into a world of new faces.. to go to skool.. have a luff with ur classmates and then come home to face four empty walls.. then i learnt to make good frenz again.. frenz that till this day bring joy n laughter to life..that are still my main group of frenz now.. and i learnt how it felt like to fall in love.. head over heels crazy in love.. then.. then i learnt how it felt like to lose that love.. how it felt like to love someone more than they loved you..learnt that sometimes no matter how hard u try.. its not going to work out.. i learnt how it felt to have your alredi fragile self esteem be thrown to the ground and shattered.. i learnt how it feels like to dissapoint your family when u dont do as well as you are capable of.. and how at the lowest points.. you get second chances.. i nearly was not permitted to come back here after foundation.. but i was given a second chance to prove my worth.. and i decided to take it and try my very best to live up to expectations.. and the 2 yrs that have passed.. i have learnt to make new frenz.. work at keeping old frenships.. learnt that you can be loved in many different ways.. learnt that you can be forgiven for mistakes that u made in the past(that ones for u Just =) ).. how it feels like to long with all your heart for something.. but know that its out of reach.. i learnt how it felt like to miss someone so much u feel the physical pain.. i learnt how to cope with it.. to get over the hurt(somesort).. i learnt that sometimes u reallie can not have your cake and eat it.. i studied.. i cried.. i played.. i endured.. i tried my very best to excell.. at times i fell.. but thank god theres alwiz been someone to help me get back on my feet.. (Thank you everyone.. *HuGz*) and now here i am sitting here..
i think back.. if i chose to come here for boarding skool i would have lived a whole different life.. i would not have gotten as close to some frenz and my darling couzs.. wouldnt have met others.. wouldnt have experienced infatuation as i did.. would'nt have met everyone in foundation.. wouldnt have met *aherm*.. i think i would have definately have worked harder at HSC tho.. n mite be doing something totally different from wat im doing now.. i think i would have been a totally different person having gone thru the vital teenage yrs here..
then i think how it would have been like if i chose to do commerce stream instead of sci in foundation.. how i would have a totally different set of frenz.. how i would most prob ended up doing comp sci/com and hating it (coz my programming is so crap)..
ohh.. and i think of how i decided not to change to commerce after the first year even tho i know it would have been possible.. how i wouldnt have gotten close to my current coursemates and seen some ppl for wat they are worth..
so many "wat ifs" in life.. kinda like the movie "sliding doors".. just one minute of difference and the whole life is changed..
i know im thinking too much.. this comes from going out everynite for the pass week and then having nothing to do on a FRIDAY nite.. i got semi dolled up incase it was one of those.. get readi in 10 mins thingie.. but nothing.. oh well.. quiet nite i guess.. *shrugs*..

~Hmmmmm~

hmmm.. it seems that blog has been updated as well.. now keying in an entry feels like im typing an email in hotmail! oh well.. everything has to be upgraded ya?
 
ohh.. just went to watch Stepford Wives with my sis this evening.. its quite a good show.. i enjoyed it.. keke.. very funnee.. not in those stoopid way tho.. its an entertaining movie.. one that did not require too much brain power but did not leave u feeling like a stoopid idiot for paying 8Aus to watch it! =P
 
nothing much exciting happening in my life at the moment.. its been eat eat shop shop.. today spent a very relaxing day at the beach with sis.. yes i know its smack in the middle of winter.. we were all huddled up in jackets.. but it was just nice to sit in the sun n listen to the waves..

~Results~

dreaded results are out!! *grimance*.. thank god i did not fail anything.. i did pretty okay considering the fact that i felt that this set of exams has been the worst in my whole 3 yrs of uni life.. n i tot i'd fail.. but its still a dissapointment as the marks show that its the worst.. (besides the computing in C in first yr that i nearly failed).. i was hoping to pull up my WAM(weighted ave mark) this session.. but its not happening.. instead it got pulled down by a mark n abit.. damn shit.. =(.. i guess i did not prepare as well this sem.. but this has been the toughest sem yet..with lotsa assignment n some lousy group members.. lets hope that next sem will NOT be like this.. *fingers crossed for lyn*

~Sunshine..~

ohh.. how could i forget to mention that there has been a new addition to the goldfish family.. and it has been thus christened SUNSHINE.. =P so now its dawn hope n sunshine.. sunshine is orange with a white tail.. =) oh .. thanks to my sis who brought new fish tank over as well.. unexpected surprise.. haha.. its a nice tall hexagon?(6 sided).. n it has LIGHTS!! hahaha.. this little filter pam thingie at the bottom that has lights.. damn funnee i say.. we went out n bought sunshine the day my sis arrived.. =) (actually we went shopping and there was a pet shop.. =P) but yeah.. luckily they all seem like one big happy family.. cept that dawn still abit slow at getting the food.. =)
okie.. need to go shower.. just got back from my long overdue trip to the gym! =P

~Holidays.. dont u just love them..=)~

alritey.. in case you guys dint notice the lack of whining about skool work..lack of guys.. n general stuff.. (which im sure u all did).. its coz urs truly here is on HOLIDAY!! haha.. my second sis tien sim is visiting on holidays as well.. so basically i spend my days with her.. and at nite.. i follow laine n ning out.. soooo.. im usually not at home.. and if im home.. im either sleeping.. resting.. or changing the look of the blog.. keke.. so basically no time to whine whine whine.. hahaha.. but basically life is good at the moment.. 'je suis hieureuse' i am happy.. of coz certain aspects of my life could be much better.. but *shrugs*.. u cant be greedy rite? so at the moment.. i dont have to worry about anything besides wat to wear today.. my sis decides wat to do n wat to eat and laine decides wat we going to do tonite.. kekeke.. obviously this is a temporary thing coz results are going to be out soon (*sniff*) and skool is going to start.. sis going to leave.. laines buddies going to come back.. n the whole cycle will start again..
but for now.. for now im just going to be the brunette bimbo and just enjoy life.. (okie.. maybe i should start going back to the gym since im eating so much n drinking almost everynitee! *wrinkles nose*)..

~New Look~

heyhey.. my blog has a whole new do! =P i had problems with the sidebar in the old template.. it got cut off midway n continued right at the bottom after all the entries.. maybe thats y u guys dint notice when i put the chatterbox thingie up.. =P anyway.. decided to change to something else.. i tried reusing the template but the same problem surfaced.. damn frust.. so just decided to change to a whole new template.. n decided to be different n put the sidebar on the left instead.. as i learnt in my gen ed.. 'new stuff' is usually located on the right anyway.. (ie that means the entries).. i have to say the polka dots did look abit funnee.. so i spent like the whole evening today trying to make up a nice background.. currently i settled with this whole chaotic blue green theme.. keke.. wat do u guys think about it? pray tell.. provide some feedback k? n since i forgot how to expand the content n sidebar to the sides.. decided to make use of all the free space by putting some of my favourite 'mantras' that is to never stop dreaming.. never stop wishing.. never lose faith and one day.. one day your dreams will become reality.. =)
alriteee.. time to rest my poor tired eyes..
hmm.. actually .. i think im tired thanks to the 5 hour sleep.. keke.. went out again last nite.. will post a long winded storytime entry on my day later.. =P

okie.. thats quite a lousy attempt at poetry.. first try first try..

~Memories of you~

i sit in my room
staring at pictures on the wall
a collage of laughing faces
happy faces that tell a story
the story of my life
now they stare down at me
mocking me
with a time in the past
a time when our worlds collided
a time where i felt safe
a time in which i felt i belonged
a time how i wish i could bring back
but now all thats left
is memories of you
that live inside my mind

~alone~

do u sometimes feel alone even tho u in a crowd? its not that they dont care about you.. u know they do.. you put on a smile.. act normal.. yet.. a piece is missing.. a vital piece that makes u whole.. u dont know wat it is.. u dont know how to find it.. but u just know its not there.. part of u feels empty.. like you dont belong to this picture.. that you dont belong anywhere.. that you are not good enuff to deserve to be there.. that you are meant to be alone.. and that scares the living hell out of you.. the thought of being alone..

maybe im being melodramatic.. i have been told that i can be quite a drama queen.. i agree.. SOMETIMES.. but i think this fear of being alone has alwiz been with me.. during one of our pre-sleep conversations laine n i were discussing sleeping habits.. n i mentioned that when i was child.. i would only be able to sleep if i hold on to my mom's nightie.. i was sleeping right below her bed so it was possible.. but yeah.. it was becoz i was worried that if there was a fire she would forget me and i would be left behind.. (i think that came about from watching some show) yes yes.. i know it sounds spaz.. but i remember doing it.. quite a few times.. and besides that.. when i was young.. when i had a fever.. i used to hallucinate.. one one of the hallucinations i can still remember very clearly.. it was of me waking up to an empty house.. that my family had left without me.. i ran about calling out for everyone but no one would reply.. i was trapped, frightened and alone.. and according to my mom i did actually call out for them..i never gave that 2 memories much thought until i told elaine about it.. i must sound like such a needy child.. but *shrugs*.. i knew my family loves me and would never leave me.. but i guessed subconciously the fear lived in me.. the fear of being left behind.. the fear of being alone..

now im all grown up(in certain aspects) and that fear has manifested and grown into different things.. now its the fear of being alone for life.. the fear that no one would love me enough to stay with me.. yes i have my family (i outgrew that fear)and some frenz but eventually all of them will have their own families and their own lives and i cant intrude on them all the time.. then wat? who would take me in and give me the emotional security i so crave? who would deem me worthy enough? i dont need to be wanted by everyone.. i just want to be needed by one.. i want to feel like i belong..

wanna know something ironic? this is my fourth year of living alone..

~Free like a bird..~

its over its over.. exams are finally over! had my last paper on thurs afternoon.. and its the only paper that i can say im very confident about(only worry is that everyone will do well n they will scale it!) but yeah.. it was a good finale after all the other crap papers! *wrinkles nose* its sat now.. for the pass 2 days.. the only time i've been home is to shower or sleep.. =P justin n his girlfriend eve came over from melb on thurs nite.. leaving tomolo (sun) morning bright and early.. laine left for brisbane this morning.. my semi-permanent guest has left.. =\ tats y the last 2 days was so frenzied.. =P

*note.. below is another one of those 'what i did for the last 2 days thingie! only read if ur reallie bored! =P'

well.. on thurs.. finished the paper at 4.. laine had to work at 6.. so we just watched some funky cartoon that was a 'tarzan' parody.. the jungle was a curropted and polluted place n tarzan was damn hopeless.. jane was kinda nympho.. haha.. but it was funnee.. =P after she left.. i had like 5 hours till justin arrived n nothing to do.. so i decided to make a trip down to the city since it was late nite shopping.. n since mr mark lives in the city.. decided to bug him abit.. haha.. had jap food.. oh.. as a side.. my damn stomach protesting carried on for 3 days! till yesterday i couldnt reallie eat proper food without my stomach trying to reject it! =\ damn uncomfortable.. everytime i ate something substantial.. for an hour after that i would feel like shit.. anyway.. i managed to buy some nice cute n cheap baby's clothes for my future niece! =P there are HEAPS n HEAPS of cute stuff man! i wish i could buy everything.. keke.. hmmm.. went home.. waited for just.. then got changed to go clubbing with laine.. the deal was that we go RnB on thurs n trance on fri.. to satisfy both tastes.. haha.. im trance of coz.. i dont mind RnB.. but i reckon its only good when u got a guy to dance with *wink* =P there were a few cute guys in the club.. but then ALOT of short n some sleazy guys too *shudder* left at about 3 where we were pleasantly high (after like 7 drinks each =P) dint wanna go home.. so decided to bug yinfu.. haha.. so him n ningci(his fren) took us gallavanting around the city.. wanted to eat harris pies(very yummy hot dogs there!!*drool*) but it was alredi closed.. so we decided to get a drink.. then laine decided she wanted burger king.. went hunting for an open one.. found a hungry jacks instead(similar).. keke.. finally got home at 5 plus.. and we had to wake up 12 to run errands.. poor ningci had the cable guy coming (ard 7am-12).. haha.. we finally stumbled out of bed at 12.. aching everywhere..getting old man.. plus damn tummy still feeling quesy.. then had to wake yinfu up to bring laine n i to laine's workplace where she left her car which took another hour(pig i say).. drove 30 mins to get a replacement key(for the one that laine lost).. after we had lunch.. i was feeling sick n tired.. so she dropped me home to take a nap while she ran some other errands.. i reallie needed that nap man.. since the nite before i was up late n woke up early to cram.. then took just n eve for dinner.. felt sick after dinner as well. =\ n i ate about 1/4 of my food? then.. from some unreliable sources we heard that Home(the club we were going to) looked close.. so we were just hanging out at home.. then at about 11 plus heard ningci n yinfu(i respect this guy.. flight was 8.30 the next day(today)..went from like 2plus n when we left at 4 still there) going to Gas(the club we were the nite before) n laine wanted to go.. since i thought Home was closed.. i tot .. okie lo.. i will endure RnB again.. got changed dolled up n left within 20 mins(very proud of myself).. got there.. the bouncers said the club was closing coz they had like 4 fights.. actually.. when we got out of the cab.. some guys were trying to pick fights with the bouncers (damn stoopid i say.. even tho they got safety in numbers.. they were all damn young n small compared to the big n chunky bouncers!) anyway.. the cops DID come n they DID close the club for the nite.. poor ningci who was alredi waiting outside for us(for about 15 mins) couldnt get back in and we had to wait for like 30 mins for his frenz to come out.. then found out that home was OPEN.. so decided to go there.. YEAH! even tho we were only there for about 2 hours plus.. it was pretty fun.. dint drink much tho.. laine n i left early coz laine was alredi aching everywhere n she had to wake up at like 1030 .. haha.. came home.. trav came down for abit.. n hung out till like 5 plus? woke up this morn at 1030.. surprisingly wasnt feeling THAT tired.. took Just yamcha n paddington n on a tour of my uni n here i am.. waiting to go out again for dinner.. =P im seriously getting old man.. haha.. dont think i can take another late nite out.. will most prob KO damn early tonite.. =P