~Time and Time~

time and time again i fall into lil holes of 'down time' totally self dug.. time and time again i fail to look around me and fully appreciate what life has given me.. dont get me wrong.. i am not ungrateful.. what i meant by not fully appreciating life.. is the fact that i actually let that maybe 10% downtime reallie get to me.. no i dont hide at home and cut myself off from the world.. i just.. kinda retreat into myself for awhile.. to the majority of ppl i meet.. i reckon i still seem the normal me.. maybe a lil quiet.. alone.. given a chance i can just sit n kinda generally just be reallie pathetic.. i find that i only let some of my closer frens reallie 'see' the down me.. i do try..
anyway.. thats not the point.. the point is that.. sometimes.. i get so caught up in feeling sorry for my pathetic self.. that life just passes me by.. each time i fail to smile at someone.. i miss the responding smile and i fail to make someones day somewat better.. i've been given so much.. i never have to worry about working or when/where the next meal is coming.. i have a family that loves me and i have friends that i believe genuinely care alot about me.. yet.. sometimes i feel soemthing missing.. and sometimes i let that one person get to me so much.. i 'want' so badly.. i take my life for granted.. i'm given so much yet im still wanting.. i feel ungrateful and unworthy..

~Ironic~

its ironic to think that..

sometimes the people whom have the capacity to hurt you the most..

are totally oblivious to that fact..

~Why~

why do i do the things i do even though i sometimes(alot of times) get hurt in the end?

because i care..

~The Comment Thingie~

hmm.. check out the comment thingie.. was bored so checked out this avator thingie.. =P
the gals n i.. just decided that we should get pissed last nite.. n we did.. on very little alcohol.. i believe that sometimes its the mindset.. the more u wanna get drunk.. the easier it is(well.. skulling drinks in quick succession works wonders too *wink*) .. it was funnee.. did some silly stuff.. but ann n lainey got a wee bit emo.. n i was in no condition to handle it.. after a sober hour where i hardly drank n everyone was becoming high i just decided to join the crowd n skull some super potent drinks.. but then just when i was hitting the high.. it happened.. n man.. at some points i was trying not to giggle.. felt so bad.. =\ but it was all good.. i think.. it was just the close group of us.. and by the end of the nite.. only the gals were gone.. cept eudora coz she had to go home..(when they started getting emo the boys stop drinking).. none of us had hangovers.. which was good.. but i realised (actually realised a long time ago but it never fails to crack me up) that the group of us actually dont need alcohol to do silly things.. keke.. had a silly afternoon with yun trav n ann.. all we need is a deck of cards a digi cam.. =P but.. i think.. the pics n video cannot be put up.. keke.. ann would kill me.. =P

~Random quotes~

clearing up my hotmail account and came across a few quotes from forwarded mails and stuff.. the first one.. i feel.. is very true..

Love isn't about becoming somebody else's "perfect person."
It's about finding someone who helps you become the best person you can be.

Once you accept someone for who and what
they really are, they will surprise you
by being better than you ever expected.
LOVE is loving/accepting a person with all
his/her strenght and weaknesses.

The happier the memory, the deeper it hurts.

There are so many stars in the sky only some are radiant enough to be noticed. Among those you choose to ignore is the one which was willing to shine for you
forever even if your glance remained elsewhere.

The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them, knowing you can't have them.

~Speechless~

i had so many thoughts in my head.. so many things to say.. then.. well.. i saw someone's nick on msn flash online.. n then.. all other thoughts fled my mind to be replaced by just pure confusion.. random thoughts flittering in n out.. with one dominant emotion/though just taking over.. one thing that i shouldnt think about in the first place..

it seems to have taken control of my mind.. lingering at the back of my subconsious mind when im going thru normal daily life.. then popping in and eating away all other thoughts once in awhlie when im caught unaware.. when i let my guard down alil.. in a world full of people.. on a bright sunny day.. sometimes i feel cold and so alone.. im not depressed.. im not some psycho going slowly mad.. im just.. tired sometimes.. tired and afraid.. alone..

~I’ll Be There~

This is for Yun and for everyone that’s been there for me.. =)

I’ll Be There

I'll be there When no one is there for you

And you think no one cares

When the whole world walks out on you

And you think you're alone

I'll be there When the one you care about the

most Couldn't care less about you

When the one you gave your heart to

Throws it in your face

I'll be there When the person you trusted

Betrays you

When the person you share all your memories with

Can't even remember your birthday

I'll be there When all you need is a friend

To listen to you whine

When all you need is someone

To catch your tears

I'll be there

When your heart hurts so bad

You can't even breathe

When you just want to crawl up and die

I'll be there

When you start to cry

After hearing that sad song

When the tears just won't stop falling down

I'll be there

So you see I'll be there until the end

This is a promise I can make

If you ever need me

Just give me a call and... I'll be there

now tomorrow and always.. i'll try my very hardest!! *hugz*

~Another quiz to ward of sienness..~

Yun sent me this link(avaliable at the bottom) for this quiz.. was so sick of studying.. decided to give it a go.. keke.. how true is it do u think?

Your dating personality profile: Liberal - Politics matters to you, and you aren't afraid to share your left-leaning views. You would never be caught voting for a conservative candidate. Practical - You are a down-to-earth individual who is not impressed with material excess. You care about the stuff of like that really matters. Big-Hearted - You are a kind and caring person. Your warmth is inviting, and your heart is a wellspring of love.	Your date match profile: Big-Hearted - You want someone compassionate, someone gentle and kind. A loving, nurturing person will fill that hole in your life. Practical - You are drawn to people who are sensible and smart. Flashy, materialistic people turn you off. You appreciate the simpler side of living. Funny - You consider a good sense of humor a major necessity in a date. If his jokes make you laugh, he has won your heart.
Your Top Ten Traits 1. Liberal 2. Practical 3. Big-Hearted 4. Wealthy/Ambitious 5. Funny 6. Adventurous 7. Religious 8. Outgoing 9. Intellectual 10. Traditional	Your Top Ten Match Traits 1. Big-Hearted 2. Practical 3. Funny 4. Adventurous 5. Conservative 6. Outgoing 7. Sensual 8. Athletic 9. Wealthy/Ambitious 10. Intellectual

Take the Online Dating Personality Quiz at Dating Diversions

wellspring of love.. HAHAHHAA..
Liberal?!

~For risk of sounding like a psychopathic Dieter~

its 6.30 in the evening.. got up at like 11.20 and so far i've eaten/drank
1. cup of milo (which is usually milo flavoured soy milk n water(i just like having hot drinks!))
2. a plain 'polo' bun (the buns that have some sorta dough thingie that resembles a pineapple on top
3. a handful of soy crisps
4. a small bowl of cereal..(this was supposed to be lunch)

while this may sound like a lot to some ppl..(which i totally respect for being able to starve themselves) its like.. nothing for me... im hungry!! yet im too lazy to go cook something or go down to buy something.. everything that is ready to eat is sweet and i think i have had enuff sweet things for a day.. and today for some reason im feeling particularly weak and tired.. HELP im falling sick again.. :'(

nope.. im not dieting.. just lazy..

~My body is a wonderland..NOT!~

For some reason my body doesent seem to be cooperating with me.. first the damn phlegm refuses to go away even tho i stop coughing weeks ago.. then.. i get ulcers.. which is quite a normal occurance with me i guess.. after taking some cooling stuff.. the damn cough is back!! and to top it up.. my body's been aching for the pass 2 days.. yesterday it was mostly that damn calf cramp that saw me limping around for about half an hour.. then.. today.. my back n my neck is aching something bad too.. and im constantly feeling lethargic n tired.. (maybe due to the fact that ive been sleeping reallie late and having restless troubled sleep.. ) =( maybe im coming down with the flu!! argh!! bloody 40% test on monday! cant afford this shit!!

not helping my disposition one bit!!

i dont think that anything i can say here will make me feel any better nor make things clearer.. if i dont know myself wat i think and feel.. how can i put it in words..

no one is to blame but myself..

~Late Nights(not for leisure)~

i dunno how some ppl put up late nites n wake up early.. its like 4 in the morning.. and the idea of waking up for my class at 10 is DEPRESSING! been sleeping at 4/5 pass few nites.. but at least i get my 7 hours of sleep n wake up at 11/12.. argh!! damn midsession!

~Time~

"you know what? that was enough, simply being together even though we're each doing separate things, just knowing that we're in each other's presence, that was enough. i can't quite explain it but it felt strangely and deeply fulfilling."

Got that off someones blog.. was bored of studying.. (trust me learning about accounting regulations can be extremely BORING!) 4am.. decided to just surf and read some blogs that i havent visited for awhile.. and i just came across this blog where this gal's recent entry was about how she spent the day at her bf's.. her reading her story book while he studied.. and how she felt.. and.. i dunno.. i think.. besides that almost constant ache of missing him.. i reallie miss that feeling of safety and fulfillment that i felt whenever we were together.. a false sense i know.. but then it wasnt like that with my other exes where there was a need to be doing SOMETHING.. with him.. i felt content just doing absolutely nothing not having to say anything.. just 'being' there together was enough.. to know that he was content with my company.. and.. ppl whom know me.. know that im seldom still or quiet(unless im totally distracted with a movie)..

being in uni.. i dont beliff that one can be too busy as to not be able to spend some quality time with your loved ones.. you MAKE the time.. yes undoubtly studies hold priority.. but.. it shouldnt take up ALL ur waking hours.. wats a stolen hour or two spent with with ppl you love.. whom are equally as important.. whether its studying together.. watching tv or just doing nothing.. if we dont take the opportunity to appreciate the time we have now.. wats more to say of working life where majority of the hours are not our own anymore.. no im not bitching.. im just wondering about those in uni that are like that.. im fortunate to be able to see my close group of frens almost everyday.. whether its just for a quick meal.. grocery shopping.. or just chilling..

i AM grateful..

but yet..

i miss the feeling of 'belonging'..

~Comfortable by John Mayer~

This song is the current fav with Yun n Lainey.. does it mean anything to me personally? well.. i feel that the characters can kinda hit home.. but then.. the scenario? i can but wish..

I just remembered, that time at the market
snuck up behind me and jumped on my shopping cart
And rode down, isle 5
you looked behind you to smile back at me
crashed into a rack full of magazines
they asked us, if we could leave.

Can't remember, what went wrong last September
though i'm sure you'd remind me, if you had to

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in

I sleep with this new girl i'm still getting used to
my friends all approve, say 'shes gonna be good for you'
they throw me, high fives

She says the bible is all that she reads
and prefers that I not use profanity
your mouth was, so dirty

Life of the party
and she swears that she's artsy
but you could distinguish
Miles from Coltrane

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
or so they say, say

She thinks I can't see the smile that shes faking
and poses for pictures that aren't being taken
I loved you
grey sweat pants, no makeup, so perfect

Our love was, comfortable and
so broken in
she's perfect, so flawless
I'm not impressed, I want you back.

~Birthday Wishes~

happy belated birthday luke! may all your dreams n wishes be fulfilled.. hope u had lotsa fun!!*Hugz*

~Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough~

I don’t wanna lose you,
I don’t wanna use you
Just to have somebody by my side
And I don’t wanna hate you
I don’t wanna take you
But I don’t wanna be the one to cry
That don’t really matter to anyone, anymore
But like a fool I keep losing my place
And I keep seeing you walk through that door

But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough

Now I could never change you
I don’t wanna blame you
Baby you don’t have to take the fall
Yes I may have hurt you
But I did not desert you
Maybe I just wanna have it all
It makes a sound like thunder
It makes me feel like rain
And like a fool who will never see the truth
I keep thinking something’s gonna change

But there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart you can’t trust
There’s a reason why people don’t stay where they are
Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough

And there’s no way home
When it’s late at night and you’re all alone
Are there things that you wanted to say
Do you feel me beside you in your bed
There beside you where I used to lay

And there’s a danger in loving somebody too much
And it’s sad when you know it’s your heart they can’t touch.
There’s a reason why people don’t stay who they are
Cause baby sometimes love just ain’t enough.
Baby sometimes love just ain’t enough.

even my dreams tell me to give up..

~Picture says it all~

note to self..

GET A GRIP WOMAN!! GET OVER IT NOW NOW NOW!

~Like a Child~

i feel like a child.. once cherished and loved.. then you let me fall.. you walked away.. never once looking behind as i cried and begged you to come back.. now im sit huddling.. wishing someone would pick me up again.. but so afraid of trusting.. so afraid of falling once again..

~I Dream of You~

is there a particular moment where u miss someone so much and wished there were there with you? a particular smell that brings thoughts of someone to your mind? for me.. i believe its just random.. or more like all the fucking time.. at times when im happy.. i wish that you were with me to share my laughter my joy.. when im sad.. i wish you were with me to hold me, protect me and tell me everything is going to be alright.. when im bored.. i wish you were here so we could be entertained just being together.. when im blue.. i wish that you'd try to cheer me up with those silly comments u come up with.. when something happens.. you're the first person i want to tell to share it with.. on most nights i wish that you were here to hold me close while i fall asleep feeling safe.. and the mornings.. the mornings are the worst where i'd wake up in a cold bed feeling so alone wondering what you were doing.. who you're with..
thoughts of you drift in and out of my mind.. on one hand im happy that your dreams came true yet im saddened by the fact that my dreams had to come crushing down and shattered at the same time.. i smile and face the world.. i convince myself im better off.. i knwo i am.. but.. still.. i miss you and dream of you..

~Birthday Fishes!!~

Big birthday(buurpday) shouts go out to mr Trav.. another year older oh!! join the gang!! (less smokin less drinking k!?)=P and also belated birthday to the april fool's boy mr Boo! LESS STRESSS MORE FUN!!! (i'll freak out if u r reading this!) *hugz*!

the title is to recognize the fact that one killed many of my lil fishes n another gave me his fishes.. guess which! keke