i long to be held..

~Assignments Galore~

havent been blogging much the past few weeks.. i'm either at skool with assns or at home with assns.. otherwise i'm trying to enjoy my break from assns.. which means.. that i havent been sleeping enuff and have been eating all sorts of nonsense as meals.. *wrinkles nose*.. so 4.20am on the eve of my last assn for the session.. and I CANT WAIT FOR 6PM TOM! (when we hand it out).. can u beliff that we have 12 versions of a 15% assn? its coz of the damn 6page limit.. and the fact that we are so uncordinated (one of our members doesent have msn)!! we kept editting but it never got shorter..
ah well.. off to shower and bed now..

~Another year, Another angry post~

something i wrote exactly a year ago..

"another year passes by.. another year where i watch the seasons change and yearn for you.. the ceaseless rain heralds the change from winter to spring.. and this is the season i miss you most..

today will always hold a place in my heart.. may not be the day we got together.. but the day that made it all more real.."

another year has passed me by.. while i know i deserve much better.. while i know that i did nothing wrong.. while i know that the only person hurting me is myself.. every now and then i still think of him.. silly silly me..

i reallie think its a good thing im going home.. its like.. i dont think of him for a long time.. then miraculously (or not since we live in the same area) i run into him.. that silly smile still has the ability to make me melt.. silly silly me..

why.. does he leave me and wat i would like to think was a pretty good relationship.. and go into one that i reckon is pretty dysfuntional.. barely seeing or talking to each other..i know he doesent think highly of himself but he could do so much better.. yes shes the girl of his dreams since he was 16.. yes most probably we wouldnt have lasted through the two year long distance.. but for goodness sake.. does he realise how used and insignificant i feel to have loved someone and put my all into it only to be rejected for that?! again.. silly silly me..

picking up the pieces has never been easy i reckon.. for a silly sentimental fool like me.. its been horrible.. without the patient love and support from loved ones.. i would still be thin ice.. last year was a hard one with him coming back with the chick.. but.. this year i grow indifferent..

a quote from Wedding Date, which i just watched this evening (after going to the movies for Pride n Prejudice)..

"He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost."

physically drained.. emotionally empty..

its the time of the year.. where i begin to feel the pain.. where i wonder what went wrong.. where i question myself.. useless exhausting thoughts.. its me.. i know.. its alwiz me..

~The Green Eyed Monster~

u know how u see something but u dont reallie want it.. then when someone else has it or its gone.. the green monster rears its head and makes it presence known.. then u kinda feel stupid about it since u never reallie wanted watever it is u are feeling jealous/envious about.. or sometimes when u try very hard for/to do something.. and u dont suceed but the next person comes around and aces it with little/no effort.. u then kinda see green.. lots n lots of green..
i think im victim of both.. i'm usually someone who goes after wat i (think i) want.. and worries incessantly about it the whole way thru.. sometimes i make the wrong decision or flounder for a second.. and it takes AGEEEES for me to get over it.. i replay the failure over and over again in my head.. thinking of all the things i could have done to improve/got/make it work.. and the envy.. sometimes it just eats at me.. the jealousy/envy of those ppl who just breeze thru life.. with things falling into place naturally for them.. its wrong.. and i know that i am one of those who need'nt have to worry about when the next meal is coming nor about working to earn my way thru getting my education.. but sometimes.. yes just sometimes.. things happen to bring out that green monster i try so hard to tame.. sometimes things dont happen the way i want/envision it to be.. and i seethe.. n i wallow in self pity for awhile.. and i dabble at being the depressing little shit head occasionally..

heck.. its only normal yes?

~When It's Over~

passed up my assn.. sat thru the most unprepared exam of my life knowing next to nothing.. came back.. chilled out reading a story book(wat i've been wanting to do for a week).. went to class.. went for dinner with the gang.. came back watched White Noise(which was pretty okay actually.. ) okay.. maybe a lil freaky.. read abit more of my book(couldnt resist skimming to the end.. =P).. slept at 5 again.. woke up 11 plus.. rushed to get ready.. went costume hunting with the gang.. (jin's organizing a costume party at my place on sat.. dint reallie have time to think about it until tues.. =P).. but yeah.. wat do u think i should go as?! we dint get much (sides jin who got a whole load of random mismatching stuff.. lainey n me got some props for our proposed costumes.. ) but we spent close to 2 hours mucking ard in the shop.. haha.. i would say its pretty funny.. then went to bondi jnt with yun n lainey (was actually supposed to be in skool doing another assn but i couldnt resist BJ!).. anyway.. we went to BnT (bra's n things) n they got SO MANY NICE THINGS THERE!! i wanna buy sooooo many things *pout* they got cool nurses outfits too!! yun got something for her costume which was so cute! =P
anyway.. rambling on.. its 3 n i think i should try to turn in early tonite.. my dark eye circles.. are.. seriously hideous and.. i think im begining to be quite zombified.. *wrinkles nose*
oh.. the boy just said he wont be able to make it for the party due to a frens 21st.. *takes a deep breath n releases* ah well.. *shrugs* i reckon mel will give him alot of shit over it!

~28 Hours~

in the past 28 hours.. at least 21 of them have been spent in front of this computer.. messing up my hair and frowning.

i had BETTER pass this damn tax law essay!!

pass.. i think enuff di since it was pretty last min.. but 21 hours straight just typing and expanding and looking for shit to add to my points (did prior to this.. not THAT slack) and neglection of finance

had nightmares about it last nite.. =
ive come to the conclusion that if i had to sacrifice a subject.. it would be finance since i can do it during summer and NO WAY am i going to take tax law again..

~The Kids are Alright~

rather This kid is alright *points to self*.. well.. alright to the point where i woke up this morning, took a few tentative breaths and took a big gulp in relief that it dint hurt anymore!! it might have been heartburn or muscle strain or i dunno wat la.. but anyway.. i was shit worried that i would have to go to the hospital.. nono.. im not usually this drama.. but the thing is.. ive been sick with flu/cough i think 3 times since dec? it all started right before i left for China.. then again when i first came back to sydney.. and AGAIN right before i left for NZ (see the pattern.. right before i leave to go to cold countries).. anyway.. the second time it went on for AGES.. me being stubborn enuff not bothering to see the doctor until my mom scared me with all the things that COULD be wrong (and autumn was here).. stupid irritating phlegm persisted for the longest of time.. but when i went to see the doc before going to NZ (worried that i might just curl up and freeze to death and the fact that i was out with fever for 2 days) the doctor warned me that if it persisted i should go back to do a chest X-ray coz i might have virile pneumonia or something like that.. and that scare the shit out of me.. so even tho i wasnt coughing when my chest hurt i panic-ed and i think it made it worse!! i actually had a dream/nightmare about having to go to the hospital and parents coming over (only plus points where not having to hand in assn/go for mid sem)

to those that were worried.. thanks.. *hugz*

p/s. have been sitting here since 10pm (it is now 4.25am) and only managed about 900 out of my 2500 words.. and i still have 3 more of chapters to study(or learn for the first time).. i am SO SCREWED!!

yesterday my right shouler/back ached..

this morning it hurt..

it got abit better..

n now it hurts when i breathe..

i am now taking shallow breaths coz it hurts when i breathe too deeply..

fuck im starting to get scared

screw finance im going to sleep..

~Did You Miss Me?!~

the one week holiday was altogether too short..(especially if u spent maybe 17 hours travelling + all that time prior to travelling) it was a blur of happy activity, a measly bit of work done the first few days (including some guilt over skool work not completed), seeing and spending time with my family and my ADORABLE niece and just hanging out..
weekend was spent on assignments and misc random stuff with yun.. suddenly cant remember wat but will think on it.. =P
yeap.. i went back for the total of 6 nights 6 days.. arriving back home on tuesday nite and flying off monday nite again.. lugged back a whole load of textbooks (4 or 5 i think) but only did maybe 6 hours of work using 2-3 of them.. hahaha.. as i told my family it was to ease my guilt conscience.. =P spent loads (95%) of the time at home or out with family.. i think only went out 2 nites and both included sheep.. whom is family too! it was good.. reallie good.. i beliff thats the longest time ive been away from home/family.. and im glad that i decided to go back.. i felt that everyone was happy that i was home.. (i reckon its since i make the most noise) and nat is sooooo cUTEEEE.. she was a lil wary of me at first.. but after talking and reading to her for abit.. she was alright.. and the next day she could differentiate between di ee (tn sim) and ee ee(me).. she knows how to talk but doesent say much.. usually just suddenly blurts out something.. but when u ask her what somethin is she points to it.. sooo adorable!! n she likes kissing softoys and animals she sees in her books.. haha.. so cute!! ahh.. i miss my family and home now..

now.. its rushing tax law assn and trying to cram in 6 weeks worth of finance which i have absolutely no clue about.. both on tues.. managed to beg lecturer for an extension for another assn due on friday (quite proud of myself)..

oh.. did i mention that im down with flu.. AGAIN! was wondering why i was so lethargic after arriving yesterday(usually not very jetlagged).. then started sneezing last nite and now having runny nose n heavy head.. =\ stupid stupid!! i think im going to od on Vit C.. and i think i should head to bed.. screw fin.. dont think anything will go in..

will post pics..
eventually..