~Soon soon~

im heading back in 4 days.. ive been back for about 3 weeks.. all filled with various things to do and ppl to see.. everday whizzing by.. i feel that its too soon to go back.. i'm reallie reallie going to miss my family and home.. yet i'm excited at the prospect of going back and ..... whos waiting for me there.. =) im excited, happy, worried, cautious and sad all bundled up together.. and how serious it can be hinges so much on a decision i need to make soon about where i wanna stay.. im not going to let this influence my decision.. but.. being back here.. and thinking of being back here for good makes me wanna go back to syd.. but then family tends to overule everything else doesent it/ but then again sometiems family (parents).. are so overprotective its so stiffling that i need out.. life would be so different.. would i be willing to change yet again? but its not like i cannot come back if i work over there.. home is where u make it.. where ur heart is.. i dunno.. im so torn.. so undecided..

~History Repeating Itself?!~

why am i so scared? well.. maybe becoz the situation im currently in has the potential to end up seeing me go thru the same hell i just managed to finally get myself out of.. i know that im supposedly older and wiser and more careful now.. but then.. when it comes to matters of heart.. i sometimes (okay maybe more than sometimes) act irrationally and care too much even when i know that i'll get hurt.. its like i see this brick wall ahead of me but then im enjoying the ride too much that i dont stop and crash headlong into it and suffer the consequences for a long time after.. am i worrying too much.. am i worrying unneccesarily? maybe so.. maybe i should just live the moment and take each day as it comes.. btu then wat happens when it starts to crumble? i'm alreadi begining to care more than i think i should.. everyday i get abit more involved and find that i want to.. i don't want to go thru the same ordeal again.. neither do i want to put my frens thru dealing with me in crazy depressed mode..

i dont know i dont know.. to turn away now before anything serious happens would be totally unlike me.. and i'll always wonder and regret not living life.. but to throw caution into the wind would mean a maybe 80% chance of history repeating itself.. i know its different times and different ppl.. but.. once bitten twice shy.. or try twice bitten..

im rambling.. as usual.. its late.. i should get some sleep..

yun n lainey arriving today!! *jumps ard like danturt!!*

im so scared of wat im capable of.. im so scared of wat i know i'd do..

why do i care so much?

i'm scared.. i'm scared of letting myself go.. i'm scared of caring too much.. i'm scared of getting too attached..

i'm absolutely terrified of getting hurt..

~But For Now~

got this from a book im reading (yes.. another one of those ditzy ones!)

"love took courage. to love someone-anyone, even a parent or a family member- was a risk. You gave your heart, your very being, to that person, and you risked rejection, or worse. you risked complete destruction of every warm emotion you'd ever felt."

personally i think u risk doubting all the emotions you felt and those you thought the other person showed.. i believe that the major part of the reason why i was so hung up over my last relationship is because it made me doubt myself and all that i stood for and felt.. its silly but i felt that my all wasnt enuff.. and more than anything i felt hurt.. and insignificant.. looking back.. i was in reallie bad shape at certain times.. i have no idea why.. maybe all my insecurities came crashing down on me and i was just afraid of facing the world again..instead putting on a bright smile and face..

i let it go.. i dont know when it happened exactly but i know i let it go for good this time.. not another one of those half hearted attempts of the past.. i let it go and.. now im learning how to let my heart go again.. not hiding behind that wall i tried to built (not very successfully)..

its quite true wat they say.. things alwiz happen when u least expect it..

but.. i'm happy.. i could be happier.. but this will do for now.. =)

~RBT~

oh.. the party was a bash.. =) everyone seemed to be enjoying themselves.. no one got horribly smashed.. which was a good thing.. quite a few ppl were happily tipsy tho i reckon.. (me included).. which was another good thing! was a lil awkward at the begining when small grps arrived and ppl dint know each other.. but.. after awhile it was all good.. it never fails to amaze me how small the world is.. okay la.. maybe not so suprising since majority of the ppl were either from mal or sg.. but then someone would know someone mutually.. or would have met someone a long long time ago but lost contact.. stuff like that..

all in all.. i had heaps of fun and i hope everyone that was there did too.. =)

p/s.. one day pics will be posted.. one day okay? hahahaha

~Home~

being home.. good as it is.. can be a lil stiffling sometimes.. my parents.. love them as much as i do.. can be a lil overprotective at times.. sometimes makes me rethink my decision to come back for good.. only sometiems.. i know i should be home for awhile.. but.. ah well.. *shrugs*

been reallie busy running ard getting ready for the big bash on friday nite.. i dunno where the time goes.. but there alwiz seems to be more stuff to do tommorrow! tom heading down to kl (again) for dress fitting.. if ashley screws it up.. i am.. so.. fucked.. i would have to frantically search for something suitable to wear in 2 days.. everyone.. fingers crossed pls!

okay.. i actually have lotsa things to write but im getting a lil fed up with this stupid keyboard..
=p

its good to be back home with family..
but this time my heart lies divided..